Titles are unnecessary when they interfere with sleep

Tuesday, Nov. 14, 2006, 10:51 p.m.

Today was the first day of my reluctant return from a lovely, relaxing four-day weekend (thank you, Veterans Day!) filled with my favorite activity: no work. Of course, being the first day back, it was absolute hell.

A couple of head guys from the Army Public Affairs headquarters in DC came down here to Fort Stewpid to spend the morning briefing my fellow pawns and I about why our office will never ever be fully staffed, and to try to convince us to re-enlist. That was actually super-great, because it took us away from the work we should have been catching up on from the long weekend, causing to have to stay at the office until 7:30 p.m. Fun! I am so convinced now that the Army is my own personal Paradise. In fact, I told the head guys that in order to keep me in the Army, they would have to assign me to Heaven, with God Himself as my officer-in-charge. They may have assumed I was joking, but that could be for the best, as I'm not quite ready to be thought of as completely batshit crazy.

Still, if this job hasn't driven me entirely nuts yet, it's well on its way. This week we were informed that instead of focusing our newspaper on Veterans Day, we were to concentrate the bulk of it on *Marne Week* -- our division's three-day mandatory-funfest that will be held next week, leading up to Thanksgiving.

I know that this sounds foolish -- we, a military newspaper, have been instructed to put the most important military day of observance on the back burner and tout some cheesy carnival in its place -- but it is, in fact, downright retarded.

The articles we have been instructed to "put off till next week" include:

- Veterans Day observances from around the area

- Stories about veterans from our own division

- Other stuff relating to that, which I am too tired to remember

The articles we have been ordered to replace them with include:

- Bios and backgrounds of the performing acts at *Marne Week*, including Leann Rimes and the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders

- The activities of *Marne Week*

- Giant flyers advertising *Marne Week*

- Traffic predictions and road closures during *Marne Week*

- Etc.

In a nutshell: We, the military, are pre-empting articles about our own soldiers to make room for cheerleaders and country-music singers. Let us all join together for a rousing chorus of "That Is Profoundly, Inexcusably Fucked Up."

Also, because of *Marne Week*, many people's Thanksgiving passes will be forcibly postponed until Thanksgiving Day -- *Marne Week* duties require it. This factor led us, the newspaper staff, to toy with placing the following headline on our front page:

Sadly, it will not be so. If it were, however, it is nearly certain that those of us responsible for it would be taken out back and shot, execution-style, and subsequently left to rot in the Georgia sun.

Thank you to everyone who left me suggestions for schools -- I'm going to apply to Ohio University, because it seems like that's where I'd be most likely to get accepted. Of course, I wouldn't actually attend there, because my educational goals lead me more toward the Northeast, but all I need is an acceptance letter for the Army to let me out early. Everyone wish me luck!

And also, go to this site if you want to laugh heartily. Goodnight!