Now hear THIS!

Tuesday, Oct. 24, 2006, 7:36 p.m.

I wasn't planning to update again so soon (wouldn't want you kind folks to get sick of my whiny ass, y'know), but I had two things that I absolutely needed to share with the general Internet public.

The first thing is a small piece of genius, which I, incredibly, did not orchestrate.

These words (seen here on some sort of teleprompter program) are part of our general's upcoming speech. I repeat, these are words which he is going to SAY. Out loud. Yes, that just might be a tear of joy in my eye.

The other thing is the commentary I wrote a couple of weeks ago about the new Army recruiting campaign, "Army Strong."

I mentioned a few entries ago that if my bosses refused to let this piece go to print in our post newspaper (which, incidentally, it is my job to write for in the first place), I would put it up here for you guys.

At first, I was told that we'd put my article off "till next week." "Next week" came and went. Then I was told, "Wait till next month." And now it seems as though it will never go to print at all, because my head boss is -- and I'm using the technical term here -- an ass-kissing, afraid-of-his-own-skin, douchebag. Who is ugly and smells bad.

Well, my friends, even if it happens, next month will be too late. All of the other Army (and non-Army) writers and commentators have now beaten me to the punch, but still -- rather than let my hard work sink into a sea of irrelevance, I'm just going to put it out there. Fuck those censoring bitches.

New Army slogan tells it like it is

I don’t know about you, but when I heard that the Army had ditched its “An Army Of One” mantra for a new slogan, I was pretty psyched.

What would the new catchphrase be? I wondered. Would it have something to do with Army values? Would it urge current and potential Soldiers to work hard and take pride in their duties? Would it instill a renewed sense of patriotism into each and every Army heart?

Well, heck, yes!

The new slogan is “Army Strong.” Two words, three syllables, simple and to the point:

“We are the Army, and we have all kinds of muscles.”

According to a report by the Associated Press, “Army Strong” was developed by McCann Worldgroup, a communications firm the Army hired in December 2005.

The article goes on to explain, “The new slogan, developed in numerous tests with focus groups and interviews with Soldiers, is meant to convey the idea that if you join the Army you will gain physical and emotional strength, as well as strength of character and purpose.”

I, personally, am pumped. I am going to be parroting this slogan at every opportunity, no matter what the circumstances.

“Hey, let’s do some P.T.”
“Army Strong!”
“We’re going to the field next week.”
“Army Strong!”
“How would you like your burger cooked?”
“Army Strong!”

Because I believe we should spread the word. There really aren’t enough Americans these days who understand the full scope of the Army’s strength, down to the last Private who just enlisted yesterday.

I mean, until I heard this slogan spoken aloud for the first time, even I wasn’t fully aware of my own power as a member of this great organization.

But now, according to the Army and its marketing consultants, I am not only a defender of our nation, but I am STRONG in EVERY WAY.

Of course, I’m not sure just how strong I am — that’s not exactly clarified — but I know that I will never have to acknowledge weakness again.

If anyone questions my might, I will simply point them in the direction of a recruiting poster and inquire, “Does that say ‘Army Weak’? Does it say ‘Army Incapable Of Lifting Heavy Objects’? How about ‘Army Can Pull Its Weight In A Pinch’? No, it says ‘Army STRONG.’ Doubt me not — I, as a Soldier, am capable of destroying you. Unless you want to join up and be STRONG like us.”

The other thing I really like about our new slogan is that it doesn’t waste words. There are no pesky verbs, prepositions, articles or adverbs getting in the way of the message.

Sure, it could have been something like “Joining The Army Will Make You Strong,” or “Be Army, Be Strong,” or even “Army Means Strong,” but that would take too much time.

We Soldiers are always being told to work smarter, not harder, and now we are being led by a fine example. Our motto omits all of the extras.

Let the Marine Corps keep its definite articles! The Navy can have its personal pronouns, and the Air Force is more than welcome to continue using its fancy-schmancy three-syllable words.

But not Army, because Army STRONG … and that’s all that matters.