Just a little bit of weekday-morning weirdness

Wednesday, May 17, 2006, 6:17 a.m.

Okay, I know I'm running a bit late, seeing as how the "tomorrow" in my last entry is now "yesterday," but it was a busy day, so I give no apologies.

And since today is going to be more or less the same, I'll go ahead and leave you with this (slightly un-edited for the Internet):

Streetluge -- the best sport I had never heard of

We've all heard of the luge, right? You know, that winter sport wherein persons hurtle down a sheet of ice at breakneck speeds, each hoping to simultaneously be the fastest and not die?

Yeah, well, today I discovered that there is a version of the luge out there for people whose insanity has reached an even more competitive level, and it's called the "streetluge."

People who participate in the streetluge (I believe the technical term for them is "daredevils," or, "mental patients") wear motorcycle helmets, lay down on wheeled sleds that look like oversized skateboards and careen down courses lined with hay bales at speeds approaching 70 mph.

Now, before our brains explode with anticipation, let's back it up for a minute and talk about all the different elements of Awesome which are represented in this sport.

First of all, there is the Motorcycle Helmet Element. Any sport in which DOT-approved head protection is required is bound to register at least a 10 on the entertainment-value scale. Add to that the deliberate placement of one's head less than a foot above the ground, and already the appeal of this sport is beginning to come into focus.

Then, we have the Speed Element. I don't know about you, but when I am lying face-up on an extra-long skateboard with my head hovering at roughly the same level as the wheels of a Matchbox car, there is nothing I would like better than to be moving 40 miles per hour faster than suburban traffic.

Of course, we can't forget the Hay Bale Element. It appears that although modern technology has advanced us, as a species, to the point where we can talk to each other from miles apart via obnoxious little earpieces, we can't find anything better than BALES OF HAY to protect our athletes from getting their faces scraped off on asphalt.

Right on, Amish Protective Gear Company. RIGHT ON.

So, who's interested in being the next champion streetluger? Great, me too! Let's continue!

Now that we've delved into this sport's technical aspects and can hopefully grasp the concepts behind it (namely, "go fast" and "don't fall because it will hurt a LOT"), we can start learning some of the hardcore 'luge lingo, plagiarized straight from here.

My favorite term is "wailing," which the site defines as "going wicked fast." When I read that one, I thought, "This sport is so bad-ass that it equates the speed you are traveling with the noise you make while you are traveling it."

Another one is "banana," or "a 'luge rider who wipes out often." I'm thinking that this is because after wiping out "often," the consistency of one's skin becomes similarly squishy and yellow.

Then, there's "bacon." "Bacon" means "rough, hazardous road conditions." You know, if you want to warn people about a stretch of particularly dangerous road, I would not suggest equating it to a piece of tasty breakfast meat. Why not call it "tofu" or "corned beef" - just about anything is less appealing than "bacon." Mmm... bacon.

I'm not going to go through the entire extensive streetluge glossary, but there is one more I want to cover before I finish here, and that is "flame." This is the term for "urethane streetluge wheels actually catching fire as a result of high speed."

Yes, you read that right. Streetluge is a sport that, when you are really good at it, could cause you and/or your equipment to BURST INTO FLAMES.

It really sells itself, is what it does.

Okay, let's go over what we've learned about streetluge:

- Related to regular luge, except without ice
- Wheels are involved
- As are heaps of dried vegetation
- "Wailing" is good
- "Bacon" is bad
- Head protection is required to avoid almost-certain fiery pain and possible death

And now, if there are no further questions, I'm off to purchase a motorcycle helmet... because Iraq just didn't hold the kind of thrills I'm seeking.

So, what do you guys think? Am I losing my mind? Or am I just so overjoyed that my bosses are actually letting me write this stuff that it all just comes spewing out of me like some kind of sarcasm venom or something?

Have a lovely Wednesday.