Why you should never work for a military newspaper

Wednesday, May 10, 2006, 12:16 a.m.

Tuesday and Wednesdays are deadline days for the post newspaper I work for, so every Tuesday and Wednesday night my co-workers and I get to stay late at the office doing layout and design as the perpetual Slaves of Quark Xpress.

Generally speaking, these days are the Days of Anger, when we sit at ancient, semi-functioning Macs from 7 a.m. till somewhere around midnight cursing people who take shitty photos, write half-assed, too-short articles, and never, ever, ever use Spellcheck.

These are the sounds one might hear, if one stood in our office on a Tuesday or Wednesday:

"AAAAGH! Why can't people write?!"
"Stupid motherfucking cocksucking piece of shit computer! STOP CRASHING!"
"Heh heh. That headline says 'massive joint operation.' Heh heh."
"AAAAGH! I forgot to hit 'Save'!"
"Can ANYBODY take a decent fucking photo around here?"
"What is this story, like seven sentences long?"
"Where is the rest of our staff?"
"AAAAAGH! The power went out! Again!"
"FUCK. THIS. COMPUTER."

I don't really mind so much that I generally end up working twenty hours in a row in a constant rage; the part that gets me is that even when I'm finally home and ready to go to bed, my brain is still in WorkWorkWorkWorkWork Mode.

Which is why, instead of falling blissfully asleep (to do it all again tomorrow! Yay!), I am sitting here writing about -- of all things -- work.

Also, I wanted to share something with you. It's a commentary called "Letter to Military Parents From Random, Childless Soldier" that I wrote a couple weeks ago for our Op/Ed page, and it was never allowed to go to print.

The reason (I was told) that it didn't run, was that right next to it was a commentary from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff called "Letter to Military Children From JCS Chairman," and the Powers That Be decided that people would think I was "mocking" the Chairman.

To which I say, "Um, YEAH. And?"

Anyway, his article was all about how military children are Heroes because they have to watch Mom and/or Dad go off to War, and that is Scary, and they are Brave.

And my article was about ... well, this:

You know, I've been thinking recently, and I've decided that military children -- all children, really -- are just like soldiers.

They're told what to do and when to do it; where to go and who to go there with; what to wear and how to wear it ... I could go on forever. Practically the only difference is that they haven't signed on the dotted line.

I submit that we should go ahead and change that, right this instant.

I mean, come on, everyone knows that our country can always use more people to defend it. Why not make it simple?

Here's my plan: if the parents are in the military, the children will be in the military. And every servicemember is required to reproduce.

Think about it -- it's a great idea. Recruiters will become a thing of the past! Soldiers will be trained from birth! Military doctrine will be ingrained into young minds before they're even old enough to decide what they think of it!

It's genius, if you ask me.

Military children will no longer have to wonder why mommy or daddy have to deploy, because they'll be too busy low-crawling through the backyard and doing laps around the driveway to even notice that their parents are gone.

On-post daycare centers will no longer be necessary; instead, the little ones will go to pre-Basic Training after school. Afterward they'll be too tired to argue and talk back to their parents. This will make them compliant and unquestioning of their appointed authorities, just like a good soldier should be.

Why not, you know? The Spartans did it in ancient Greece. The ... um ... other people ... did it ... at some place and time in history.

Anyway, whatever. My point is that we shouldn't let our military children go to waste. They are resources, and darned good ones at that.

So spread the word! Start writing letters to your congresspeople; convince your post exchange to start carrying extra-extra-extra-small/extra-extra-extra-short uniforms; teach your children how to do "Iron Mikes."

Let's make the military a FAMILY institution.

And if the kids don't like it? Hey, that's what push-ups are for.

Can I get a "hooah"?

Apparently, my chain of command is afraid of angry letters from high-ranking Army officials. But I spent so much time and energy on my little spiel that I didn't want it to go to waste, so ... does that make you guys my recycling bin? Uh ... no offense.

Never mind. I think I need to go to bed.