Wuv ... TWUE wuv ...

Monday, May. 01, 2006, 8:31 p.m.

Wanna know how to embarrass the living shit out of your husband? Because I'll tell you, really.

1) Go to a marriage retreat.
2) Don't wear shoes.
3) At all.

It is way fun.

Actually, I wasn't planning to be barefoot. It was Husband's responsibility to bring me my sandals from our apartment (which I am not currently living in, and have no easy way to get to, being car-less and all), and he totally did not bring them. And since the only other shoes I had were sneakers and boots (which, I REFUSE), I opted to BARE IT ALL. FROM THE ANKLE DOWN.

It was actually pretty cool, though, not having to worry about shoes. My feet were able to air out (can we say HELLO to the boot-stench!) and I got to enjoy the Texture of Nature.

Side note: the Texture of Nature is VERY HURTY if you don't watch where you're walking. I repeat, VERY HURTY. Stupid prickly clover things.

But yeah, I got to Become One with the pavement, and Bond with the cafeteria floor. I was like Dirty Hippie: The Britney Spears Generation.

And Husband went ahead and gave me the nickname "Hobbit Feet" to show his support and rapier wit. Ha Ha, Husband. You are So Funny.

Other than that, the marriage retreat was pretty useful. We learned how to talk using the Speaker/Listener Method, which goes something like this:

- Speaker "has the floor" (with "the floor" represented by some physical object like a notebook or something) says whatever is on his/her mind

- Listener paraphrases what Speaker has just said, to ensure that he/she understands what the fuck is going on in this conversation

(Repeat this step for a while, switching back and forth who has "the floor.")

So, Husband and I practiced, and we did fairly well.

It went something like ...

Speaker (me): "When you insist that we go to a movie that you want to see instead of a movie I want to see, it makes me feel like you don't care about me and you don't want me to enjoy quality entertainment."

Listener (he): "So what you're saying is [and these are KEY WORDS, people], when we go to my movie instead of your movie, you feel like I don't care about your entertainment needs."

Speaker (me): "Right."

[I hand over "the floor."]

Speaker (he): "When we go to my movie instead of your movie, it makes me feel happy because we are not going to your movie."

Listener (me): "So what you're saying is, you are kind of a dick."

Speaker (he): "Yes."

Listener (me): "Can I have 'the floor' now?"

Speaker (he): "No."

Listener (me): "Come on. Please?"

Speaker (he): "No. I also want to say, I sometimes choose my movies based solely on the fact that you won't like them."

Listener (me): "So what you're saying is ... THAT IS SO MEAN! Give me the fucking floor!"

Speaker (he): "NO! I'm not done!"

Listener (me): "YES YOU ARE. GIVE IT."

Speaker (he): "NO."

See? We were actually getting pretty close to the realm of Adult Conversation, until we both decided we wanted to talk at the same time and barely refrained from whapping each other in the arms with "the floor." But, progress was made: as long as he is paying for his movies (and also the popcorn, because, yum), I will go to see them.

So, um. Not much else happened this weekend. A brief update on Events:

- I am still hating the state of Georgia for being a dick and taking away my driver's license.

- I am still not living in my apartment.

- I am still not allowed to spend any non-Army-approved time with Husband.

- OH! I won a fucking CRUISE!

I can't believe I forgot to mention that, considering how I jumped around like a joyous madwoman when I found out.

What happened was, I filled out one of those little slips of paper for those drawings that they have in malls and car dealerships and in this case, Denny's. You know, those drawings? The ones that nobody ever wins? Yeah, those ones.

Anyway, I filled out the slip (as my impatient friends are all, "Come ON. Let's GO. Nobody EVER wins those."

Except, I DID win it! Yippee! And if it's not a scam, I get to go on a cruise to the Bahamas ("cooome on pretty mama") for four days and three nights.

But with my luck, it'll totally be a scam. So cross your fingers for me, and say your prayers, and offer up your human sacrifices, and maybe the whole thing will end up being legit.

Also, are any of you a U.S. Congressperson? Specifically, in the state of New York? If so, we need to chat. Call me!