How To Fix A Marriage In Three Days -- Part III

Wednesday, Apr. 26, 2006, 4:51 p.m.

My Marriage Fixin' Class is now completed (I have a certificate to prove it!), but my marriage is not fixed.

Disappointing, I know, but as a bit of a pick-me-up, I have uploaded a photo of the lovely drawing I made yesterday, documenting a typical argument between Husband and me:

Isn't it a beaut? I call it "The Shitstorm, Part I." Rendered In Crayola.

I did get a lot out of the class, though. Like, I learned that if my commander thinks he is going to chapter me out of the Army under the Lautenberg Amendment (which, in a nutshell, states that a soldier convicted of a domestic violence charge may not carry a weapon -- therefore, cannot be in the Army), he is more wrong than a shit-flavored doughnut, because I was not convicted, so that bitch doesn't apply to me.

To which I respond -- in the eternal words of Flavor Flav -- Yeeeeaaaahhhh booooyyyy!

For real -- although I want out of the Army more intensely than Gilligan and his shipmates wanted off of the island, I do not want to get out with a dishonorable discharge.

Because, you see, that would be wack.

Other than that, not much of interest really happened today.

Oh, but here's a quick movie review for you, because I went to see Silent Hill last weekend, and I feel the overwhelming urge to tell everyone I know that it would be more entertaining to watch rabid chipmunks tear a ten-dollar bill to shreds, than to spend it on that film:

If you enjoy movies with a confusing plot, no endearing characters, lots of Gross, with a side of mind-numbing dialogue, Silent Hill is probably the best film you will ever see in your entire life.

Yes, even better than Catwoman, if you can fathom such an idea.

Although it seems to be trying for the "psychological thrillers" genre, it ultimately lands in the "intensely sucky movies" category.

The main character, Rose, is concerned about her ten-year-old adopted daughter, Sharon, who sleepwalks and dreams about a place called -- surprise! -- "Silent Hill."

Because Rose is a truly devoted parent, she decides that her best course of action is to drive her child, unaccompanied, to the town in her dreams -- a town which we learn was destroyed by some kind of coal fire a few decades before.

Now, this idea works for me, if we are operating under the assumption that Rose is a raving lunatic (like, for instance, Tom Cruise) who doesn't believe in psychiatry (also, coincidentally, like Tom Cruise). But it seems that this is not supposed to be the case, so the rest of the story just goes downhill from there.

As she and her daughter near Silent Hill ... at night ... in the pouring rain ... (please, sir, I want some more predictability!) Rose sees flashing police lights behind her -- probably trying to pull her over for a busted taillight or something, but we never find out. Instead of pulling off to the side of the road, Rose tells Sharon (who is sitting in the front seat, as all children under the age of 12 should be doing in an SUV) to "Buckle up" ... and then guns it.

Okaaaaay. Good one, Mom! Way to start a high-speed chase with your kid in the car! That's almost as smart as taking her to a deserted village after dark with no plan whatsoever of what to do once you get there! So at least you're on the right track!

Of course, Rose loses control of her vehicle, swerves, hits her head on the steering wheel, and goes unconscious. When she wakes up, Sharon is gone, and the fun begins.

The rest of the flick shows Rose following "clues" to try to "find" Sharon. She makes a few unlikely friends along the way (shock!) and discovers a few disturbing things about the town (specifically, freakish phantom-zombie things), and honestly, I was really bored at this point, so I kind of stopped paying attention.

I was a bit revived when Rose's husband, played by Sean Bean (which, what kind of sadistic parents name their kid "Sean Bean"? Probably the kind who drag their daughter to a haunted town, come to think of it), popped back into the picture to attempt to establish a sub-plot. But then I realized that whatever he was doing was having no impact whatsoever on the main, more retarded, plot, so I just sat back and let my eyes re-glaze over.

Ultimately, I hoped that all my questions (namely, "What the fuck ...?") would be answered, and that the ending would tie everything together and either be happy, sad, or intriguing.

Except, no. I would give the end away (so that you don't feel compelled to go and see what a festering pile of Why Did This Movie Get MADE?? looks like), but I just don't feel like wasting any more moments of my life on what was possibly the worst two hours I have ever spent in a movie theater, including the previews.

So, there you have it. Not a professional review, to say the least, but I think it was more or less equal to the amount of energy which must have been put in by the movie's writers to fill its plot holes.

And on that note, I think I am going to cheer myself up by watching Clerks for the eight gazillionth time.

I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here today!