How To Fix A Marriage In Three Days -- Part I

Monday, Apr. 24, 2006, 5:39 p.m.

Husband and I started our Let's Try To Fix Everything In Three Days marriage counseling class today, and let me tell you, it was more entertaining than a throng of drunk midget jugglers. Seriously, there were a couple moments where I was venturing dangerously near to pants-peeing territory, thank-you-very-much uncontrollable laughter at others' expense.

The best part was the older man who taught our first class, which was about Stress Management. I just thought he was a normal kind of weird until Husband leaned over to me and whispered, "Hey, doesn't he look just like Dave Chappelle, in those skits where he dresses up like an old dude?"

And, yes. Yes, he did. And he actually sounded like him as well. And it is a little bit hard to take someone seriously when you are picturing him saying, "What is ... a badonkadonk?"

At one point, he showed us a list, numbered 1 through 4, that said something about ways to relieve stress. We went over the first one, and then the counselor said (and I am SO not making this up), "Now, a lot of people can't do Number Two."

Me: "[SNORT] HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Seconds later ...

Other People In Class: "HAHHAHAHAHA!"

At which point I did not feel quite so Beavis-y anymore.

But it really was interesting to listen to other couples' marital problems.

There was the guy swore the stove in his house was "broken" ("The cooking. Just. Stopped."), the woman who tended to get in fights ("This lady cut me off, and then she got out of her car and started yelling at me. So I beat her ass."), and of course, the Woman Who Just Sits There And Glares.

We got to write down what we would do in certain "stressful" or "angering" situations, such the aforementioned getting cut off in traffic. The discussion quickly veered around to, "Are my kids in the car? Because if my kids are in the car, I'll fight that bitch," and I got to explain my "Stupid Whore" theory.*

*While I am driving, all other drivers are Stupid Whores. If they annoy me with a specific action (such as cutting me off or flipping me off or driving TOO DAMN SLOWLY), I get to loudly inform them that they are a Stupid Whore. Nonviolent, yet fun.

It was actually not too bad. I didn't have to go to work, and that is always a plus. Also, I got to make fun of people in my mind.

Obviously, I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow.