"I Need Some Ass," and other love songs

2005-05-09, 9:21 p.m.

Q: Why am I happy I could spit sprinkles right now?

a) I won the lottery
b) I was told that I never have to come back from leave because the Army doesn't need me anymore
c) I received an assload of Bob & Tom CDs from Thatgrrrl in the mail today, providing me with hours of pants-pissing laughs

A: The answer is C, of course! What'd you think, you were gonna get a "d) all of the above"?!
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Let's see, my Horniness Quotient has now reached a point where I'm rubbing up on my rifle as I walk, just because it's the most affection the coochie's gonna get till I go home in 8.2 days.

But amazingly, it still hasn't surpassed the HQ of most of the men around here, who more or less just wander around looking for a hole.

I'm considering writing an editorial called "It Will Suck Itself Before I Give You Any, So Stop Asking, You Mangy Motherfucker."

But I think that might just encourage them.
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A guy I'm friends with out here (read: a guy who hasn't made me want to kick him in the balls yet) told me the other day that he and his wife were about to celebrate their fourth anniversary.

"That's great!" I said. "How has she been handling your deployment?"

"Oh, she's doing fine with it," he answered. "Even though we've only seen each other for about two and a half months in the last four years."

(Keep in mind, he also was on the first deployment to Iraq at the beginning, when the real war was going on, and that was only two years ago.)

"Well, I'm really happy for you," I said.

He smiled.

The next day, I shit you not, the VERY NEXT DAY, I saw the guy again, and this exchange took place:

"Hey!" I said. "How's it going?"

"I got an e-mail from my wife today," he replied. "She divorced me."

Dead silence.

What the FUCK do you say to that??!!

I went with:

"Can she even do that without you there?"

"Yeah, I guess so." He was on the verge of crying or killing someone, that's how scary the fake-grin was. "In Texas, they let you do that."

I'm sorry, but Fuck Texas.

How could ANYbody let ANYbody divorce their spouse while he is in the middle of a year-long deployment in the asshole of the world, AND he's about to come home on his mid-tour leave?

Some damn fools, that's who.

And they wonder why nobody's enlisting these days.

I'll tell you, it's a good thing for my buddy that they have regular Suicide Prevention classes over here.

Too bad they don't have any How To Not Kill Your Bitch Ex-Wife classes.
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Speaking of spouses (by the way, I have always thought that the plural of "spouse" should be "spice." You know, like "mouse" and "mice"? Just humor me here.), dear Husband is still in Arizona doing his whole training thing.

That's okay, though, when I get home, I'll have plenty of training to give him.

That's "training to pleasure me till my body is no longer able to orgasm," in case anybody completely lost the innuendo.
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Time to go to beddy-bye for now ... I have a big day of doing Jack Shit tomorrow.

Good ol' Jack. Maybe he can get me off.